I can see the light!

I have received my approval to see an Endocrinologist so I immediately made an appointment. Of course the soonest opening is April 26th! Almost a month away! Oh well, it could be worse.

I am going to ask him about getting started on a pump. A good friend sent me a book on Pumping that I have been reading between work, sleep, and trumpet practice! If you have any thoughts on what I should ask about before my appointment, I would love to hear from you.

In case you were wondering...

I have been asked to play trumpet at our Easter Service at church. I am a drummer and guitar player but I did play trumpet a long long time ago. I have no chops at all but I am getting better each day. I think I need a lesson in saying no once in a while.

Speaking of saying "yes" all the time and just being busy pretty much all week long, I was looking forward to this Saturday all week. No plans, no commitments, zilch. zip. nada! Just time to chillax (a sweet new word that means chill+relax. like you didn't figure that out!) and hang out at home.

WELL GUESS WHAT?

The in-laws are coming down from San Francisco to stay with us this weekend. I am very happy to see them, I just hope they don't want any of the typical entertaining from me. I am so wiped out that a wink and a smile might be all they get out of me.

I'll make it a good wink I promise and maybe i'll throw on a wacky hat too!

Pavo Frio (that's spanish people)

Since my attempt to become smoke free failed I have at least accepted that going out “Cold Turkey” will not work. I am finally getting over a cold that I have had since 2003 (it seems) so hopefully I will be back to 100% soon and able to exercise some more. Exercising also helps me cut back and hopefully cut out all smoking!

FYI – I have cut my nicotine intake to less then half of what it was on Sunday so that is a minor accomplishment. I do apologize for the manner in which the last post ended. I tend to be extremely hard on myself and beat myself up a lot. I know this is not a good thing but I have always been that way. I need to be proud of my accomplishments and not try and take on everything at once.

Reading my blog is like watching that movie Sybil! I am a freak show! LOL

Thanks to all who left me encouraging notes and Scott, you can send me the therapist bill to the address you sent the book to. Thanks man.

I Quit!!!!

Last night as I was lying in bed, paying close attention to the tingling in both of my feet and I realized that tonight was the night to finally give up smoking. So far today I have been smoke free but I have to tell you, I m not confident that this is the final battle. I am going to up date often today in hopes that will help me stay on course.

Wish Me Luck!!!!

9:09 AM – Just finished a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and I am having a nicotine fit! I am chomping on Sugar Free Altoids and they seem to be helping. Oh my gosh, I do not want to screw this up.

10:11 AM - Still have not fallen off the wagon. I am so scared and feel like I am not ready for this. I know it's the nicotine talking. Ohmygoodness, why can't they make cigarettes that are good for you. That would make this a whole lot easier! LOL

11:01 AM - I have had about 5 cups of coffee and just grabbed a couple of pretzels from the community snack shack (a co-workers desk). The more I try to forget about it, the worse it is. I am surprised I have made it this far! I am gonna need some serious strength after lunch. Thanks for the kind words and support.

11:59 AM - Going to lunch. Just checked my Blood Sugar. 254 . Yuck but I know why. I have been scarfing down pretzels like they are going out of style.Ahhh what to do, what to do? I'll post after lunch.

1:16 PM - After lunch is not so bad after all. Since I am constently coughing, the desire to smoke is pretty much non existent. I would suggest you all buy some Altoids stock. I will post a little later.

1:51 PM - I failed. I just bummed a cigarette from a co-worker. I got a bad phone call from an angry customer and I turned into the biggest jerk. I feel like such a loser and a failure. I hate this so much. What should I do? Why did I ever start? I am holding back tears right now just so I don't have to deal with the 3rd degree from my co-workers. I could lose it. I could just wig out which is what I am worried about. Should I try the patch? Gum? I wanted to go Cold Turkey but all it bought me was half a day. I do not want another one but why even try at this point?

Sorry everyone. I let you all down and myself too. What an idiot I am. Why can't I be addicted to exercise or vegetables? Nicotine is so evil. It really has an awful hold on me. I don't even want to publish this post. I am such a weak moron. I guess what is nice is that I can be honest to you but how do I do this? I am willing to listen to any ideas or advise you may have.

I am going to see how long I can go.

I hate myself right now.

8 Years Ago Today

Sunday at church was the norm. I was leading the band and congregation in praise and worship which I love to do. My wife Jasmine was sitting out in the pews as usual with our son George. They were both singing along and clapping as loud as possible so the rest of the congregation will hopefully figure out to clap on 2 and 4 instead of the dreaded 1 and 3!

During the Pastor’s Sermon my wife gets up and heads out of the church. I assume to use the ladies room. She comes back and tells me, I need to go home. She decided to wait since the service was almost over and we headed straight home. She was sure she had an accident. She was so embarrassed since this had been happening often.

When she got home she started to fill terrible. Her stomach was cramping up and she could hardly stand up. We called a friend to come over and stay with George so I could get Jasmine to the hospital.

Luckily, we got there just in time. We got checked into our room and after only a few hours, we were both introduced to our daughter Gillian.

When George was born I was so excited that I didn’t even care if our baby was a boy or a girl. In fact, I forgot to even ask or check! I was so happy that our first baby was here that I didn’t even think about. Then the doctor said, “It’s a boy!” WHAT? Oh that’s right! What an awesome day!

Well with Gillian, the second she was born I rushed to see what the baby was. The umbilical cord was in the way so I was totally freaking out! “What is it? What is it!?!!!??!!” The doctor said, “It’s a girl.”

I bet the whole hospital wing must have heard me shout for joy! “We got our girl!”

To think that my baby is 8 today makes me feel old and sad sometimes. But, seeing what an amazing person she is becoming and how our relationship has evolved from constant care giver to being able to hang out and talk together has been such a blessing.

Life is good.

The First Step

So, I went and saw my doctor today and I brought in my log of blood sugar readings. The readings look like my son's hair. All spiky and wild like!

I told him, "I don't know what the heck I am doing wrong! I check before each meal and I seem to go up and down and up and down and I have no clue why!"

He said (I swear), "Well, that doesn't mean you F***** up, you may just be the kind of diabetic that fluctuates. It is not your fault!"

Yes, he said the "F" word.

I could not decide if that made him cool or scary but I do tend to bring that out in people so I am told. (I will save this explaination for another post. lol) I mean, it did make him a little more human and as weird as that sounds, I kind of put doctors on a weird pedistal which is probably a mistake but oh well.

Anyhow, he suggested seeing an Endo and getting on a pump. Um? Huh? I was gearing up to have to go toe to toe with this dude to DEMAND MY RIGHT AS A DIABETIC TO SEE AN ENDO!!!!!

I guess God knows what a wuss I am and decided to get the ball rolling before I could even speak.

So now I wait for my referral in the mail and then I will be able to make my appointment to see my Endo (there is no spellcheck on this thing so I am taking the easy way out and typing Endo for short. hee hee)

I am so excited and actually was in a GREAT mood all day today. I am excited about being born again and I am sure my mom is happy that that statement had nothing to do with her!

Post at ya soon!

P.S. Scott, Thanks for the book man, I am really digging it although I stay up too late to get more pages in! :)