Entries from October 1, 2012 - October 31, 2012
My face keeps changing with each inspection,
memories are created daily,
good, bad, not so good, really bad,
yet the loss seems greater.
Doesn't time heal?
Scrapes on my knees from learning to skate,
climbing a tree, breaking a bone,
"in time it will heal." But the stinging in my heart,
it is worse every year.
New stories to share, pictures to crowd together for,
those moments, those moments you should be here to witness,
the words I need to hear, the unspoken words only a glance can speak,
I need that now. We all do,
I thought after all this time it would be easier.
Fear is overwhelming me, fear I cannot handle,
I need a rock, or a common tree to sway with,
something more than this, than this memory and warm feeling,
Going alone is not my strength,
Time is telling.
It's been over twenty years since I felt your arms around me,
the assurance of safety I cannot duplicate in my weakness,
I try and fail and try and fail and try and fail and cry,
I cry too much and too often,
Years and time do nothing but make things worse,
more time away and more questions unanswered,
I know I am not alone and I recognize my selfishness,
but that physical being has a different memory than the spiritual,
both real but one doesn't feel around anymore.
God, I love you. You know this.
But Dad I love you and miss you.
I miss you more now than ever.
I need you more now than ever.
We need you more now than ever.
I am so scared. What do I do?
Last night our church held it's annual Halloween celebration, "Trunk or Treat."
The night works like this, kids come dressed in non-scary costumes for lots of games and crafts. Then after a while dinner is served, all free with a donation basket if you are able to contribute to help pay for stuff, and then the most exciting part of the night, TRUNK OR TREAT!
Parents decorate the trunks of thier cars and the kids walk around trick or treating in the church parking lot. It's always a lot of fun to see all the kids in their costumes but also the great trunks.
Last year we won the coveted Best in Trunk trophy with our Jonah and the Whale trunk.
This year my kids and wife put together a trunk that was definitely a Simmons "next level" type trunk but not the winner unfortunately. In our defense I had an engagement that I was at beforehand so we could use the main family car and put together the trunk we wanted to do. Next year we will take that trophy home and blow everyones mind with the awesomeness we had planned for this year.
But check out Marty, Doc, and DeLorean! My wife even passed out "Save the Clock Tower" flyers to everyone before the trick or treating even started. So next level!
The winning trunk was adorable! Check it out.
Do you have any plans for Halloween?
The ups and downs of wanting to take care of my diabetes is on the way down.
I am just sick of it. Sick of checking my blood, putting in infusion sets, inserting CGM sensors, taking pills, counting carbs, bolusing properly, correcting mistakes, going to the doctors, all of it. Every last bit.
I know this doesn't last and I know I have to get over it but right now, I couldn't care less.
My head is spinning around trying to make sense of this lack of motivation at honestly, I think it's just that I am completely and utterly bored. Diabetes is boring. At least all the steps you have to take are boring.
So do I try to get the new Dexcom? Maybe a new device on the way will brighten me up some? A new meter? Really? Is that all I can come up with?
I try writing about uplifting things and nope, I can't do it. Burnout, total burnout is where I am now.
So now what?
I wanted to share some exciting news with you.
I am now a contributing writer at Diabetes Monitor!
What is Diabetes Monitor?
Diabetes Monitor provides a comprehensive collection of information on diabetes, including type 1 and type 2 diabetes. We have a vast library of original articles covering topics such as diabetic supplies, nutrition and exercise, Medicare and glucose meters. We also offer an assortment of tools and resources that are not available from any other single source
I am honored to be in the company of other diabetes writers like Scott Johnson, Roger Diez, Shannon Dauphin, and Ronnie Gregory. Hopefully this will allow me to share my story and perspective with other PWD's who feel like I do sometimes.
Please hop on over and check it out! My first post is an introduction but there is more to come!