The past few weeks have been a blur. Work is taking it’s toll on my health, my time, and my attitude.
Nothing makes me happy. I have these moments of what I think are going to be great and then something comes along and ruins it. I have been actively trying to get back into school but keep stumbling along the way.
I tried for weeks to get in to meet with my local congressman only to get a call back saying he is too busy to see me. And frankly, I don’t when I would be able to see him if he did want to meet with me. I barely have time to call.
Waking up earlier each day has given me a few minutes to read a few blogs, write a few posts, tweet a little, and get back on emails but all of it seems such a downer. I am in such a crumby mood.
Everything that comes out of me is depressing and when it’s not, it is probably not very real. Or it’s just a moment when I try my hardest to stay positive but something or someone comes along and knocks me out every time.
I have even tried writing motivating tweets and changing my Facebook status into these positive empowering statements that are 100% B.S.!
I jumped in and I want to make all these changes. That night at the edge of my pool was totally real. I get upset thinking about it because I really felt at that moment that I could accomplish so much but I feel so far away from that moment.
So alone in myself.
That is it. Alone in myself. That is a weird way to put it but it’s a good way to describe how I am feeling right now. I have lots of people around me cheering me on but I have none for myself.
Nothing is going to change unless I change something but when you don’t trust yourself what do you do? When you have no confidence in your abilities what do you do? Do you give up? Do you just take what you have and stick with it? Do you settle for where you are when where you are you dislike?
When everyone is there for you except you, what do you do?
And did I mention that my blood sugar has been dancing around 200 for days now. I even over bolused like crazy last night and still nothing.
Diabetes doesn’t help at all. And it doesn't help that I just feel like crawling under a rock somewhere and hiding until it all goes away.
FYI this post has sat here looking at me all morning because I really don't want to publish it but I must at least stay true to this place. I always put out my good, bad, and ugly regardless.
Who knows, maybe i am not the only one feeling this way.
I hope so. I would hate for anyone to feel like I do right now.