Alone in Myself

The past few weeks have been a blur. Work is taking it’s toll on my health, my time, and my attitude.

Nothing makes me happy. I have these moments of what I think are going to be great and then something comes along and ruins it. I have been actively trying to get back into school but keep stumbling along the way.

I tried for weeks to get in to meet with my local congressman only to get a call back saying he is too busy to see me. And frankly, I don’t when I would be able to see him if he did want to meet with me. I barely have time to call.

Waking up earlier each day has given me a few minutes to read a few blogs, write a few posts, tweet a little, and get back on emails but all of it seems such a downer. I am in such a crumby mood.

Everything that comes out of me is depressing and when it’s not, it is probably not very real. Or it’s just a moment when I try my hardest to stay positive but something or someone comes along and knocks me out every time.

I have even tried writing motivating tweets and changing my Facebook status into these positive empowering statements that are 100% B.S.!

I jumped in and I want to make all these changes. That night at the edge of my pool was totally real. I get upset thinking about it because I really felt at that moment that I could accomplish so much but I feel so far away from that moment.

So alone in myself.

That is it. Alone in myself. That is a weird way to put it but it’s a good way to describe how I am feeling right now. I have lots of people around me cheering me on but I have none for myself.

Nothing is going to change unless I change something but when you don’t trust yourself what do you do? When you have no confidence in your abilities what do you do? Do you give up? Do you just take what you have and stick with it? Do you settle for where you are when where you are you dislike?

When everyone is there for you except you, what do you do?

And did I mention that my blood sugar has been dancing around 200 for days now. I even over bolused like crazy last night and still nothing.

Diabetes doesn’t help at all. And it doesn't help that I just feel like crawling under a rock somewhere and hiding until it all goes away.

FYI this post has sat here looking at me all morning because I really don't want to publish it but I must at least stay true to this place. I always put out my good, bad, and ugly regardless. 

Who knows, maybe i am not the only one feeling this way. 

I hope so. I would hate for anyone to feel like I do right now.

You Tube Tuesday #237

Kitties.

Star Wars.

Awesome!

Getting Well

Last weekend I tweeted about my Aunt Addie who broke her arm. I asked if anyone would be willing to send her a get will card to DM me. Well, I am happy to report that the DOC stepped up to the plate and sent me a bunch of cards. And more keep on coming!

My aunt is 63 years old and has Down's Syndrome. She has been a big part of shaping me into the person I am. She has taught me and my family about unconditional love and how to count your blessings.

She is funny, sweet, adorible, fun, and loves music! If music is playing, you can be sure she will be dancing. In fact, one of the cards she got plays "I Feel Good" by James Brown and when she heard it she started laughing and said, "That's James Brown! I know that one!" Then began wiggling in her seat trying to dance. So cute.

This is the first time she has ever had any medical issue and normally a broken arm is not that big a deal. The fact is that since she has the mental capcity of a 4 year old she has issues understanding what is going on. Why does she have to keep this sling on? What is the cast for? When will it get better? Why can't I go bowling? 

Bowling is one of her favorite things to do for fun so having to wait a while to do that is going to bum her out I am sure.

I just want to thank all of you who have been thinking about her, praying for her, and sending cards. She got a big kick out of all the stuff she has received. It really lifted her spirits. 

This picture below is just from the first wave of cards that we received. More came in over the weekend and need to be delivered to her home.

Thank you so much! And if you would like to send her a card or whatever, please click the contact link and let me know your email address. I will get you the info on where to send it.

The Benefits

Within 20 minutes of smoking that last cigarette, the body begins a series of changes that continues for years.

20 MINUTES

• Blood pressure drops to normal.
• Pulse rate drops to normal.
• Body temperature of hands and feet increases to normal.

8 HOURS

• Carbon monoxide level in blood drops to normal.
• Oxygen level in blood increases to normal.

24 HOURS

• Chance of heart attack decreases.

48 HOURS

• Nerve endings start regrowing.
• Ability to smell and taste is enhanced.

2 WEEKS TO 3 MONTHS

• Circulation improves.
• Walking becomes easier.
• Lung function increases up to 30%.

1 TO 9 MONTHS

• Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue, and shortness of breath decrease.
• Cilia regrow in lungs, increasing ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs, and reduce infection.
• Body's overall energy increases.

1 YEAR

• Excess risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker.

5 YEARS

• Lung cancer death rate for average smoker (one pack a day) decreases by almost half.
• Stroke risk is reduced to that of a nonsmoker 5-15 years after quitting.
• Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat and esophagus is half that of a smoker's.

On Sunday I will celebrate my 5th Breathaversary. I cannot believe I used to smoke at all. So weird to look at smokers now and think that I used to do that. Weird.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through all the struggles back in 2006. It was a tough road but one I know I will never have to go down again.

(benefits of quitting smoking from quittingsmokingsupport.com)

Wordless Wednesday

Well, just one word.