The Bigger Problem

Last night we had another rehearsal for Godspell.

I am thankful that my diabetes has yet to mess up any of our practices. I always check right before we start and only once did I take some glucose tabs before to make sure I didn’t go low.

So rehearsals have been D free.

But there is another major hurdle I hate to admit.

My weight.

I struggle daily to eat right, to make time to exercise, and to not avoid all mirrors. I have gained back all the weight I lost on Weight Watchers and am struggling on how to motivate myself.

This musical may be it.

Last night at rehearsal we practiced a scene where I am carried off stage. I am not a person who likes being picked up (does anyone besides a kid?) so already I am freaked out. But then to have people trying to lift my fat ass is just about as depressing as you can get.

Everyone is nice and are saying, “no biggie, we’ve got you.” But I feel like a small hippo already and this is not helping.

As of late I have stopped all of my binge snacking I used to do. (that explains the 4 M&M’s I allowed myself yesterday(those following me on Twitter saw that))and trying to eat only human sized servings.

How much can I take off before the musical, which is a month away?

Hopefully enough so no one is rushed to the hospital with a hernia after opening night.

The Race to CGMS Update

I wanted to update you on my race to CGMS.

The Dexcom rep emailed me on Friday and said they were still working on it with my endo.

The Minimed rep emailed me on Friday and said they were still working on it with my endo.

Both of these emails were sent in responseto the email I first sent to them saying, “I want to see how things are progressing.”

A part of me feels like I should put all my stock in one of them but both make me feel like I am not high on their priority list. I do not need that right now.

It is hard to get over being a little down when people make you feel like you are not that important.

As I type that I remember that I own my feelings and I have to not allow my feelings to get hurt. It is not easy since I am a “heart on my sleeve” kind of guy. As you all know.

So I need to allow myself time to take things in, think about them, remember who I am and where I am, and then decide on the healthiest way to feel.

Much easier blogged than done.

You Tube Tuesday #118

This is a very special episode of YTT. I wanted to share with you all how I learn all the freshest moves going down!

My secret?

Dancing Kim!

LOCK IT OUT! And Enjoy!

A New Numb

After an awesome and yet tiresome rehearsal at church, I came home Saturday night and plopped down in front of the TV to relax for a few.

I started watching one of the many food competition shows which I love and just chilled for a while. As I was sitting there I put my hand no my thigh and realized that my hand felt asleep. I am not unfamiliar with this feeling since after working on my computer for any amount of time my right hand goes numb. So annoying.

But this felt different. I put my left hand on my left thigh and my left hand felt asleep too. What the heck is going on? When I put my hands together they felt fine and that was when I realized that my thighs were asleep.

It was the weirdest sensation I have ever had. I kept poking my leg and the whole thing was tingling. Not completely asleep but definitely dozing off if that makes sense.

Neuropathy has affected both of my feet for some time now but now it seems it has moved up my legs. Even now they still feel strange.

It’s almost as if diabetes is slowing taking my feeling away. It is an eerie feeling. Like I am dying from the feet up.

And now the questions begin. Am I doing all I can to take care of myself? Is diabetes winning the battle? Will I ever be able to feel like I have the upper hand?

I am so tired. I know I have to keep going but man, it’s hard to WANT to stay on top of things. Sometimes I just want to say, screw it. I had a dream the other night that before I went I to bed I just decided I was done with it all and disconnected my pump and went to sleep. As if that would be a peaceful way to go right?

I am in no way suicidal and yet my subconscious seems to be. Or at least there is something in my head that decided to make that subject the main storyline during dreamtime the other night.

Diabetes sucks.

Who Invited the Police!?

Yesterday we had our quarterly company meeting. I have talked about how wacky my company is and how we always have “themed” parties and meetings and such.

Well for this meeting, the theme was Pirates and because my cousin is an awesome cake maker, the Entertainment Committee asked me to order a cake from her.

It came out great.

One of our salespeople came up to me and asked, “So who made the cake?”

“My cousin! And I can't wait to have a piece!” You should have heard how proud I was.

“YOU CAN’T EAT THAT! (He was almost shouting!) IT HAS TOO MUCH SUGAR!”

Ugh.

I said, “That’s what insulin’s for” and I walked away.

Then another salesperson said, “Hey George. Man I had rough time last week with “so and so” (I cannot remember his name) who came to work with me. We went fishing one day and man, it was tough feeding the guy. I had no idea how hard it is to have diabetes. He can’t eat anything!”

I found out he was a newly diagnosed type 2 who is terrified of shots and is eating pretty much nothing to lose weight and not raise his BG.

My coworker made me happy in that at least he saw the struggle and wanted to talk about it. I told him what I do and how it’s different and he seemed to get it.

I don’t mind the members of the Diabetes Police that are willing to listen and want to understand.

It’s the ones who shout, “You CAN’T EAT THAT!” that drive me nuts.

Honestly, must you shout?