Thankful For 43
Thursday, November 24, 2011 at 11:09PM For 20 years I have waited for this year. The year the curse would either be confirmed or broken.
You see, my father died when he was 42. He was in pretty good health or so we thought. He had one massive heart attack that caused parts of his heart to literally expload.
It was one of the worst days of my life and truly the beginning of a downward spiral that I would not wish on anyone. I see how it helped shape me into the person I am but I would never call it a "blessing in disguise." It was awful.
Another part of this story is that my Grandfather also died at a relatively young age of a heart attack. So naturally I assume my fate would be the same.
I was blessed with probably the best family I could have ever asked for. I have 3 sisters who are like my best friends. We all have different relationships but I consider myself close to all of them. I am sure losing dad when we were all so young only strengthened the bonds between us.
This year my oldest sister said something to me that confirmed I was not the only one who didn't think any of us would outlive dad. In fact, I figured since I had even more cards stacked against me with the whole Diabetes thing and all that I would not make it even as far as I have.
She said, "Well it's just a few more weeks until I have passed the Grim Reaper year." A lump came into my throat as I tried to find the words to say that would not "go there" but would at least let her know she was not alone in worrying.
We really are typically an upbeat bunch but death just does something to you I guess.
When I opened Facebook to post on her wall for her birthday a few weeks past I was crying like crazy. How could my dad's death 2 decades ago still hurt so much? How is it that I would assume us kids would suffer the same fate? What is wrong with me?
Today at dinner all I could think about was my dad. I tried to think about other blessings but the fact that the "curse" was broken gave me a weird feeling. Like dad was smiling down from Heaven happy that we will be around longer than he got to.
I know he's here, heck I can swear I hear his voice sometimes but I miss so much. Just to be able to play some basketball with him would be awesome. I want more than anything for him to know his grandchildren.
He does. I know he does. Still I miss him.
But I am not ready to join him. How about 86? I would be okay with that.
Reader Comments (12)
HUGS, lots of them.
3 more 43's to go. Love you
You have many, many, MANY people around you that are also glad you're still here. Big hugs!
Death does do something to you. You're right. I lost my older brother when I was 5...he was 9. My oldest daughter will be 9 on her next birthday, and I keep thinking how horrible it would be if we lost her. I can't imagine what it was like for my parents.
It's a good record to break...and one I hope you'll continue to defeat year after year after year.
Here's to the road ahead, and the people who make life amazing along the way!
(((HUGS))) and many, many more years. Jeremian 29:11 NIV - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
PREACH Pearlsa!
I love you dude - I know it is hard, and while time heals a little, it shouldn't completely erase. It is Ok to miss your dad forever and long for the day you'll see him again.
I know Dad is smiling at us and watching over us. This past year has been a tough one for me in so many ways. Then out of the darkness we got this great gift and I finally, at 43, get to be a Mom and I know that there are so many things I still need to do in my life. I miss Dad every day, but now I feel like I get to do something for him, live the next part of my life. We will have so much to share when we meet again.
Totally understand. My mom died of a heart attack at 55, her mom (the only t1 known in the family before me) died at 42, her dad had a massive one at 50 and lived to age 70. I tell myself the thought isn't in the back of my mind but who am I kidding. But I really want that Joslin 75-year medal so I guess I have to ninja kick my way to age 87. Ya need to be there with me! :)
Lots of hugs and good wishes, my friend.
I totally get what you are saying, my father died at 47 and 4months, I just passed 47 and 4months! I would like to think it doesn't matter after all this time, but it does and yep I cried too! It gets easier but never easy, there are days I miss him like it was yesterday. Than I look at my 16 year old son, with his long body and short legs jeans dragging on the floor and all I can think is Dad you are here!
My grandfather died of a heart attack when my dad was 16. I know that my dad was happy to see each of his children turn 17 and for each birthday after that until this summer when he passed away at age 50.
I already know how hard it is to be without my dad, but it's kind of nice to know that even after two decades those feelings are there. It means that haven't forgotten him and his influence on your life is still there.
you ask: 'what is wrong with me?'
i answer: 'nothing'.
as you can see, you're not the only one who has feelings like this. my mom died when she was 44 (20 years ago) and for the longest time i felt like i would die young too. i'm still 4 years away from the 'magic number' but i no longer fear her same fate.
i'm glad we can all share our stories, it makes me feel less alone.
happy belated thanksgiving. <3