Another Bad Night
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 8:38AM Last night was one of those times when I wished more than anything that I didn’t have diabetes.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am not normally happy about having a chronic illness. I just deal with it and don’t think much about not having it. What I think about is living with it.
But not last night.
When I went to bed I checked the Dexcom which showed two arrows straight up (which means my bg is climbing fast) and a bg reading of 325. GREAT! I bolus to correct even though I was sure I didn’t consume major amount of carbs for dinner, and went to sleep.
2 hours later I hear my Dexcom buzzing away on my nightstand. My little bg line was right at the very top and it read HIGH, which means over 400. GREAT!
My trusty One Touch was snatched up off my nightstand (I keep a lot of stuff on there) and that HIGH was confirmed by a finger stick of 485. GREAT!
I decided at that point to just correct again regardless of the insulin on board. So there I went stacking my insulin knowing this would bring me down. While I was lying in bed waiting for some time to pass to check my blood again I started thinking about all the damage this particular high is doing. My eyes, my feet, my internal organs were all paying the price and I don’t think I did anything wrong. I got upset and started to feel very sorry for myself and for everyone who has to deal with this crap.
An hour went by and I rolled over to check my bg again. 476. Pretty much the same as before. GREAT!
This was when I decided to pull out my infusion set, take a shot, and finish this once and for all.
I bet most of you know where this is going. I woke up at 45 and feeling as if my entire body had been crushed. I hurt everywhere. My head, back, arms, legs, it all hurts. Plus I am tired. Exhausted. Done.
When I stumbled out of the shower I had to make my way back the bed to sit and rest for a minute before I continued getting ready. I felt like I was going to pass out. Short of breath and dripping wet I sat on the edge of my bed and sobbed. Angry, sorrow, frustration, exhaustion, fear, pain all contributors to my tears.
My wife begged me not to go to work but I did. Why? Because I feel like it was my fault. I feel like I should have caught it sooner, not had taken as much insulin, not did whatever I did to screw up my infusion set. The guilt thing is self inflicted but I believe outwardly planted from along time ago. And watered constantly by most doctors I have seen in my life.
So now I wait to start feeling normal again. Is that even possible? Tonight when I get home I will go to bed early and dream of a time when I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore because right now, thinking about the rest of my time on earth, and the undoubtedly many more times nights like this will happen is almost more than I can take.
Reader Comments (12)
Sorry to hear you had such a rough nite there, all this stuff can just build up on us, unseen, until we hit a breaking point. There's nothing wrong with that George, dealing with this all day, every day gets to us all now and again.
I'd tell you it's not your fault and that you've done nothing to be guilty for, but you already know that, in your head at least. I hope you'll be able to take it to "heart" soon my friend.
Scott
I have to share with you something super crazy..... I had a dream about you last night!! I was totally going to email you and tell you about it because it was weird and made me miss you and stuff... but then I read this and I am seriously trippin right now....
So in my dream we were all at your house (24 night style) and you beeped and I was like "did you hear that" and you were like "what? Crap" and you checked your BG and it said "hi" so you corrected and we all sat around talking but it wouldn't go down. Then everyone left (not because you were high just cause.. you know.. dream time.. haha) and Jazz went to get you some water and you started crying.. like sobbing really hard and screaming. So I hugged you and we cried together and then we just sat in silence waiting for you to come down. Then the dream kind of melted away and I started dreaming about playing softball on the moon or something equally as random...
but seriously...
How weird is that? <3 <3 <3
Must be something in the air lately...Been fighting highs all week. (((Hugs!)))
I know exactly how you feel. I've been fighting the same thing over the past three months. I actually got as high as 580 one night then dipped to 69 (while eating everything sugary in sight to maintain the 69). It exhausted me to the point of wondering how long I can do this without giving up.
It takes an amazingly strong person to deal with the day-to-day with this disease. But you are not alone!!! We are all here with you, going through the same horrible nights, fighting the same fight. We are all in this together. My heart goes out to you! Stay strong :)
My heart aches for you. Praying for a better night.
Sucks when this happens. This has been happening to me, unfortunately, on a consistent basis lately. Keep your head up, and just keep pushing. That's all we can do.
Oh man! Have I been there! The worst is during the night because my brain is already half off and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Thank goodness you had your sensor on though! You have to learn to be thankful for some things.
Thank you for the honest post.
Sorry you had that kind of night and that it sucked. Must be something in the air, indeed. I had my own frustrating D-experience recently that made me simply hate it. Timing was horrible. That was actually my blog post today! Anyhow, Mr. Strange said it all perfectly - we ALL have these times and there's nothing that dulls the fact that we just can't deal with it well or positively all the time. Hope it all evens out and these stupid set issues take a break and function well as long as possible. Best your way, G!
Sending you love and prayers.
MAJOR suckage yo.
Hoping tonight is better and that you'll recuperate and be able to play Portal 2 all weekend!
That totally sucks! I love and hate the Dex at the same time. It is nice knowing where I am headed but sometimes I think I'd prefer not to know.
I don't want to be a nag, but I had a lot of problems like that when I used the Quick-sets. With the Sure-T I really don't ever have a site problem. Can you try them again?
i hear you. nothing upsets me more than a ridiculous high that feels like it's my fault. whether it's a bad site or poor food choice, i'm the queen of guilt.
hang in there, george. one day at a time. hell, some days i take it one bg check at a time. we're all in this together.