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Wednesday
Jul252012

Where The Rain Goes

There was a sermon in church, a speaker who moved me, or a magnet somewhere that said, "rain flows down to the valley first."

Valleys and Mountain tops. That is my life all the time. It seems that things are either on their way up the mountain. Happy, excited, motivated and ready to take on the world or I am decending into a dark valley with no hope for anything.

Are most people on plains? Do they ride along for a while enjoying a smooth ride with a slight hill and dip here and there? If I ever think I am on a plain I am always mistaken and it turns out I am on a plateau. A scary high one at that which mean a drop into a desert before I hit a mountain again.

Where am I now? I have hardly been involved in the OC at all. My job has taken over so much of my life. Diabetes has not been a major issue thankfully. My fasting bg's have been pretty great and come to think about it all day long I have been kicking some major T1 ass.

So why the mood? Why do I feel so stale? I have always believed if we do not grow, we decline. I am hardly growing. Maybe around my middle section but my heart has declined, my feeling of worth is in the dumps, and my overall outlook is gloomy.

Reverting back to lurking status in the DOC has been my only connection to everyone. I will read posts from friends and find new blogs but just dont feel like commenting at all. Like what can I say? Someone else will be there for them way better than I can. How dare I give them the false idea that I have my shit together?

But wasn't that the point? Isn't that why I wanted to do this? Because my shit was not together and I needed to get that out? To see those words and hopefully start healing by letting them out?

Back in my geek(ier) days whenever my computer started to act weird and not work right I would reformat, reinstall, and restart everything all over again. Is that what I need? A new look? A new name? A new focus? What?

A good friend who may be reading this suggested I talk to someone about depression. But I never did. There are a lot of things I should talk to my doctor or some specialist about that I don't. Where do I start? Stress? Depression? Weight gain? Chest Pain? Nerve damage? Shortness of breath?

The post started somewhere and ended no where I and yet it feels such a perfect representation of me, at this moment. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. 

Dry, stale, and thirsty. In need of some rain.  

Reader Comments (11)

George - you were my introduction to the blogging world. I felt everything you wrote. I knew that if you could do it, I could do it. People still need that from you.

I know it feels easier to pull back when things are difficult, but I have learned that in long term it doesn't help and I need my friends!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSara

***hugs*** on emotions, etc. I have a hard time commenting, too.

I waited until the last minute to renew my domain. I had to delete 2/3 of my past posts, anyways, so why not a fresh start. Ended up sticking with it, even though it's not quite who I was two years ago.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

George,

I totally feel you on this one. I read a lot, I don't comment, I post just enough to keep things going but nothing fancy. I come up with ideas and don't write about them. I hate my job right now. I'm bad at keeping up with Twitter. A lot of that is all due to my job stressing me out to no end, to depression, to the apathy that's along for the ride with the depression.

I feel like my therapist is helping me a lot, but it's still a lot of hard work and it takes some time. But I would recommend it. I mean, hey, if you don't like it, if you feel it's fundamentally not doing you any good, then you don't have to go back.

I've been struggling a lot lately with seeing my depression/anxiety/whatever as a condition, like diabetes. Like something that needs to be treated. Like a tangible disease instead of a bunch of nonsense in my head.

It's hard. Hang in there, pal. *hugs*

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHannah McD

Sometimes you need to be the shoulder.

Sometimes you need a shoulder.

The DOC can provide you with that need, on both sides of the spectrum.

Because you're not alone. Ever.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlanna

Your love for others, your enthusiasm, your give it another try, your smile, your whole self are what has helped inspire me (and I think a whole lot of other people) to not give up.
Don't try to fix everything at once. Pick one area and I think you'll find that the other issues will follow along as you begin to feel better.
Hugs...

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

If I could do anything to keep movement in your career and take it to the next level, I would. Not as charity, but because you have talent and need to be in a position that can fully untilize that talent. Some day I might be able to do that, but for now the most I can do is take you to lunch and talk about the possibilities of that hopeful future.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrad S.

Think of it this way, you have a guy for your car, a guy for plumbing, a guy for fixing things around the house that you don't know how to do. These people make life easier, it makes the unknown ok because "you have a guy for that". So think of a therapist as your "guy for that". The person that helps you get an emotional tune-up when nothing you do seems to help. Just knowing that you have that person in your life makes life easier. After you get back on the right track the fear of it creeping back is less, cause you have a guy for that.

July 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Do you ever look at comments left before yours and say, "wow, this is great stuff, what else can I possibly add to what's already been said?"

That's what I'm feeling right now.

And it's a testament to YOUR character, and what YOU have done for so many others, and what YOU are to people, that you have these great, incredible, caring friends sharing such wise words with you.

Sometimes we just need to hold on through the chaos of life, looking for the rock to cling to. As long as we don't give up, the storm will pass, and the chaos will subside. If you let go of that rock, the storm sweeps you along with it, and the chaos lasts with the storm.

DON'T LET GO OF THE ROCK!!!

July 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterScott K. Johnson

You and I are breathing the same air, friend. Hugs.

July 26, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMeri

what scott said. and everyone else. ;P

i hate being so behind on blog reading/commenting because by the time i get to the posts, maybe you don't feel that way any more. or maybe you do, but the last thing you want is someone commenting on it way after the fact. so i'm here just to say, i see you and i hear you.

i hope that the time you've been able to spend in indy had been rejuvenating for you. <3

August 2, 2012 | Unregistered Commentershannon

I know you are a Christian, George, so I would encourage you to lean on HIM and try to spend a little time in the Word every day. One of Satan's dirtiest tricks is keeping us thinking we're too busy to open the Bible.

You are a precious Child of God -- don't ever forget that when you are feeling "less than".

And...a slice of bacon could do nothing but help :)

August 4, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter"D" as in "D"

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