There was a sermon in church, a speaker who moved me, or a magnet somewhere that said, "rain flows down to the valley first."
Valleys and Mountain tops. That is my life all the time. It seems that things are either on their way up the mountain. Happy, excited, motivated and ready to take on the world or I am decending into a dark valley with no hope for anything.
Are most people on plains? Do they ride along for a while enjoying a smooth ride with a slight hill and dip here and there? If I ever think I am on a plain I am always mistaken and it turns out I am on a plateau. A scary high one at that which mean a drop into a desert before I hit a mountain again.
Where am I now? I have hardly been involved in the OC at all. My job has taken over so much of my life. Diabetes has not been a major issue thankfully. My fasting bg's have been pretty great and come to think about it all day long I have been kicking some major T1 ass.
So why the mood? Why do I feel so stale? I have always believed if we do not grow, we decline. I am hardly growing. Maybe around my middle section but my heart has declined, my feeling of worth is in the dumps, and my overall outlook is gloomy.
Reverting back to lurking status in the DOC has been my only connection to everyone. I will read posts from friends and find new blogs but just dont feel like commenting at all. Like what can I say? Someone else will be there for them way better than I can. How dare I give them the false idea that I have my shit together?
But wasn't that the point? Isn't that why I wanted to do this? Because my shit was not together and I needed to get that out? To see those words and hopefully start healing by letting them out?
Back in my geek(ier) days whenever my computer started to act weird and not work right I would reformat, reinstall, and restart everything all over again. Is that what I need? A new look? A new name? A new focus? What?
A good friend who may be reading this suggested I talk to someone about depression. But I never did. There are a lot of things I should talk to my doctor or some specialist about that I don't. Where do I start? Stress? Depression? Weight gain? Chest Pain? Nerve damage? Shortness of breath?
The post started somewhere and ended no where I and yet it feels such a perfect representation of me, at this moment. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Dry, stale, and thirsty. In need of some rain.