Damaged Goods
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 9:05AM When my alarm went off at 6:00AM Saturday morning I knew the day was going to require sticking to my schedule.
I had rehearsal at church, for a play I wrote that was being performed during worship the next day, at 8AM so I had to get there early to get things set up and really see how it was all going to work in the sanctuary.
After a great rehearsal with my cast and getting everything put away to allow for a memorial service happening at church that afternoon I was home getting ready for my friend's wedding. She asked me to sing a special song for their first dance! I was so honored and of course, totally nervous.
No one had heard me sing the song yet. I promised to keep her choice a secret so rehearsing was sneaky and my nerves were running extra high since I do like to get an opinion from someone before I hit the stage! But, I digress...
After shaving and a shower I started to get dressed when I realized I needed to change my infusion set. My schedule of getting ready and leaving has no room for deviation. Why didn't I realize earlier? Oh well, I grab the insulin from the fridge and get all my stuff for my set change.
Trying my best to not pull too quickly on the plunger and turn my insulin into Sprite, I got my reservoir filled and was all ready to go. IV Prepped, Inserted, and ready to go.
I grabbed my shoe inserts from my casual shoes and slid them into my black dress shoes. As soon as my right foot went into the shoe I felt a sharp pain in the arch of my foot.
"OW! What the heck!?"
My wife walked in right as I blurted out in pain. "What's wrong?"
"My shoe. It feels like it's broken or something." I take it off and look inside. Everything looks fine. "Weird. I don't know but it hurts like hell."
So I slid my shoe back on and limped around the room grabbing my wallet, phone, and CGM.
My sister was waiting for me in the living room to carpool to the wedding. When I walked in she stood up knowing we were behind schedule and asked if I was ready to go.
"Yeah... You know what dude I have to check my foot something is wrong." I called my wife over and I sat down in my recliner so I could lean back and she could examine my foot closely.
I kicked my shoe off and before I could even grab the handle to recline my mom asks, "What is that on your foot?"
Right in the middle of my foot was the infusion set I just changed. Somehow it must have not made it into the trash and instead stuck to my sock. I could not believe that I couldn't feel it when I was just walking around. It took putting my shoe on to realize something was wrong and even still I could not tell.
It was a good thing I took the time to investigate. I was happy about that. But it also was a reminder that I am damaged. My nerves are damaged and my body doesn't work correctly.
Memories of doctors telling me how lucky I am I don't have cancer and that at least I can manage diabetes swirled around in my brain. Those moments when you feel you can do anything seem like a child's fantasy. Diabetes is slowly chipping away at me.
I am damaged goods.
Not worthless or unable to accomplish all kinds of things. I am not saying that at all.
But the realization of just how much this disease takes its toll was brought to light yet again this weekend.
I have type 1 diabetes. And no matter what I do, it finds a way to remind me.
Reader Comments (4)
I hate it when diabetes makes us feel this way. It's so discouraging!
Love you!
At that last conference, one of the presenters said something amazing that I would have recorded so that I could have captured it word-for-word. She was talking to a group of advocates for a variety of health conditions. She said that something had happened to all of us that made us broken. But because we were broken we cared more (not that it gives us purpose because I think that is overused and often misinterpreted). Our brokenness motivates us so we should embrace it and use it. It's hard to see it in the moment. Knowing you, I know that all you have experienced with diabetes makes you a better advocate for yourself and others. Never forget that and never stop writing about it.
Perfect things are boring. I much prefer goods with character. :)
That old infusion set just really, really wanted to be your date for the wedding.