Moving And Mom

You all know that family is pretty important to a ninja like me. I always talk about my wife and kids and how much I love them and probably bore you all with it. Sorry about that.

But this post is more about my mom. Well kind of. You see my mom has been living with my sister and brother in law and their kids in New Mexico. She has been there for a few years and likes it but has decided she wants to come home. Back to Southern California. 

There are many reasons for her wanting to move. First was a job offer and the reason for the consideration. The second is her youngest grand daughter who will be 2 very soon. Also, mom is the youngest of 9 kids and most of her siblings are right here and she wants to be able to spend time with them too. 

So there is no hard feelings towards the Land of Enchantment or my sister but just that mom feels like it's time to come home. 

Well, we know that for mom to live on her own would be a struggle and frankly, she has done enough struggling in her life. My wife and I decided that we would find a bigger place and mom could come live with us.

I am very happy to say that we found a great home to rent that fits our budget, is within the school district so the kids do not have to change schools, has enough room, and allows us to keep our pets. SCORE!

Did I mention a swimming pool? Woot! That is total bonus but a pretty sweet bonus if you ask me. 

All and all we feel very blessed to be able to have mom come live with us. My mom struggled and scraped by to give us a roof over our heads and food on our plates. And sometimes it was down right scary. For her and for us. I see those sacrifices now and now that I am a parent I can't imagine how many sleepless nights she must have endured worrying about our future.

But I am here as are my sisters and we are better people because of the struggles in life we have had. We did not get the chance to ever give back to my father who, in a weird coincidence would have turned 62 yesterday, passed away entirely too early (at age 42.) but we can be there for my mom and give back some. 

My mom is still hip, youthful, and seems to know more about pop culture than I ever could. Let's just say her and my daughter listen to the same music. Crazy. So it's not like I am taking care of her so much as I am just being able to help her have it a little easier. That makes me feel good. 

I guess this makes me a good son right? She always calls me her "Number one son" but then again, I am her only son.

To Dust

Last night my family and I went to church for Ash Wednesday. I have never thought of myself as a religious person but more of a spiritual person. Religion is important to me because it helps me to stay connected to that spiritual side. It’s my spiritual outlet if you will.

Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent and part of the service is the imposition of ashes on our foreheads. Something that we always do every year. But this year something happened I did not expect.

Normally I sit on the outside of the row. I let me family slide in the pew and I end up on the end. No biggie. Normally that means that I am first in line for Communion and/or Ashes. No biggie. Well this time I was on the opposite side of the family and they all were in line before me. Again, no biggie.

Until Gillian, my daughter who was right in front of me, was getting her ashes.

“Remember Gillian that you are dust and to dust you shall return.” Our pastor recited the words he does every year.

Instantly I felt my heart ache. As I stepped up and received the ashes I could feel tears falling down my face. “to dust you shall return.” Those words were clanging around in my head.

I think a lot about my mortality. Maybe because I am a father I think about it more. Maybe because my dad died when he was 42 I think about even more. Maybe because I have diabetes I think about even more. I am not sure why but I am always thinking about what my kids will do when I am gone. And if my time here is almost up or not.

But when thinking about my own death I think how well adjusted my kids are, how close they are to one another, and how many people that love them so I don’t worry too much. But last night I thought about them “returning to dust” and I lost it. I pray and pray that I will go before they do but I still ache for them. It aches for their future kids, my grandchildren, one day having to say goodbye. It was a really weird moment. I have never thought about that before and I did not expect it to crush me the way it did.

The rest of the service I sat staring up at the cross with tears flowing like a steady faucet. I couldn’t stop it.

I understand and except death as a natural part of the life cycle. Spiritually I see death as the beginning of a new life somewhere else. But my kids will always be my kids and the thought of them having their heart broken or their car stolen makes me sick to my stomach.

Anything that would ever hurt them hurts me more. Maybe that means I am too protective? Maybe I am sissy and not man enough to not let things get to me. I don’t care really.

I do believe that all those hurts and pains help shape us into people who understand the world. As much as it pains me I know they need to get hurt. It is just inevitable.

But still, the thought of them one day dying really stings.

I love them more than anything. 

You Tube Tuesday #213

This cake rocks!

Enjoy!

I Don't Understand

It's working. I don't know how or why but it does.

Since I saw my new doctor last week he totally changed the way I bolus for meals to try and get my numbers a little more stable. He shut off my bolus wizard and deleted all of my basal rates. 

"You are probably going to be a little high for a while but this will work at stopping the up and down blood sugars. Then we can bring the whole thing down." That was the way he explained it and I have every reason to believe him because he is beyond awesome. [read the comments from my "No More Sawblades" post for proof of said awesomeness]

So now I have 1 basal rate all day. I take a specific amount of insulin for each meal and a square bolus of another amount over a 3 hour time period. And it has been working beautifly. My fasting BG's have been 96, 113, 158, 133, and 124 since Wednesday. That is pretty awesome for me. I was seeing lots of 200's in the morning which always was a bad start to the day.

I should also mention that the daily amount of insulin I am taking daily has dropped around 20 units. 

This is good and I hope will get even better. I know as soon as we get my number more stable basal rates, bolus wizards, and whatever else will be used to fine tune but I have not seen a number in the 200's for a while now and that is like a miracle.

Before the only way for me acheive not seeing high blood sugars was to not test. And I will not do that again.

Later On Wizard

One of the things that came up at my awesome appointment yesterday was a question I could not answer.

"About how many units of insulin do you take at breakfast?" 

I thought about this and had no clue. I mean, I know what the carb count of breakfast usually is but I have no clue how much insulin I am taking! That just does not seem right! I should know.

Well one of the big changes to my treatment was shutting off the Bolus Wizard. I am not sure if this is forever or just for the time being but I am game. Seeing how much insulin I am bolusing and looking at each dosage helps me understand more of what I am doing to my body. It makes me feel more in tune. 

Here is how I would break it down.

MDI (Multiple Daily Injections) is like driving a manual transmission car. Everyone should know how to drive stick before they move on to an Automatic.

Insulin Pumps are like driving an Automatic. Things are a little easier and less work is needed as far as taking shots all day long.

Bolus Wizards are kind of like an Auto Pilot or at least an Auto Calculator. It allows a little less math and makes it easy to bolus correctly for meals.

I see that it does me no good to use a Auto Pilot when my bg's are all over the place! I need to drop back down a few and really get those numbers a lot closer together. Then I can work on fine tune but major tuning is in order.

That is why my Doctor had me shut it off. We are trying something I have never done before and when I woke up at 98 this morning, I figured something seems to be working.

I have about a million more things I want to tell you about but I am going to save that for some other time. You all know how I can ramble on and on. 

Just know that I think I am on the right path with the right coach & pretty soon I am going to be in the best health I can be.

GAME ON!