Is That Snow?
Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 7:56AM No. It's just the mega flake I have become.
One thing I will say is I am still keeping up with the Lent Loser thing but my diabetes stuff has just been unacceptable.
First, I stopped taking Symlin because of the nausea. I stopped this several weeks ago and just took an injection right before typing this. Hopefully I won't get sick on my keyboard. Yuck.
Second, the CGMS. I tried again after my little break and had another sensor telling me I was 42 all day long. Need I say more?
The Diabetes 365 project I have totally flaked on. I was taking pictures everyday in fact, I have a bunch I never uploaded but I just gave up. I give up a lot.
I have cancelled 2 appointments with my neurologist, 1 with my endo (the old one), still have not really actively looked for a new endo, skipped out on a diabetes mentor training that I was so excited about but I talked myself out of doing.
I give up a lot.
I am realizing more and more that I am the worst motivator, and advocate for me. For George. I assume I cannot do anything and am my own worst enemy.
This post went from a quick rant to a deeper realization as these words flow from my fingers.
Why do I do this? Should I explore this? Will I? Probably not since I can talk myself into and out of something faster than you can say Bacon Wrapped Bacon.
Just when I think I am getting my shit together I fall apart.
Can I blame diabetes?
I don't think so.
Reader Comments (11)
George, you are so hard on yourself and it is sad because you are an awesome person. You have gone at like warp speed for a long time now with gillion projects, most of which help others. Maybe you just need some George time. A time where you slow down and focus on just being. These emotions seem to come in seasons, I bet after a rest (if you lighten up on self criticism) you will be ready to resume your Ninja-ness. You know your family and friends are not ever going to let you totally give up on you because hey, you are riding a horse. lol
I get like that sometimes, it's like quicksand... the harder you fight, the harder it is to move, to breathe. Once I realize that I've gotten myself stuck, I do one thing. Just one. It doesn't matter what, tho I prefer to do a simpler task and just get it done. I've found that by just doing that one little thing, I can start moving again. I don't worry about the entire list until I've shortened it quite a bit by knocking things off it one at a time.
Hang in there brother!
George - It's tough with everything you have going on in addition to the new position you took. I find that it's very easy to get stuck in a rut. Climbing out is the hardest part and staying out takes a lot of motivation and self discipline.
Can you blame diabetes? Sure. Can you blame the new job? Sure. Can you blame the stars not being aligned? Probably. There's always an excuse if you look hard enough.
I hope you find it in yourself to do what you need to do for George and your family. They rely on you. Then need you to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Do it for them. Listen, I'm not saying it's easy or that I'm perfect. Now that you wrote the words and realize the issue, act.
((hugs))
I know the feeling. I do.
Hang tough, George.
Lent - you actually inspired me to commit to at least 30 min of exercise daily for Lent - thank you!
Symlin - I have tried it 3 times for months each time and have yet to come up with any sort of benefit - I may do a post about that at some point, it's been brewing a while.
CGMS - try putting in a complete new location, one never used for insulin sites. Legs, maybe? Or is a different brand an option? I never got good readings with minimed, usually spot on with dexcom. Others have told me they see the exact opposite. YMMV.
Blame - sure, go ahead an blame diabetes. Blame the weather on diabetes too - Lord knows it makes us blame ourselves often enough for things beyond our control! Just don't blame yourself. Hang in there - things will improve. ((((hugs)))) [geek disclaimer - I actually had to "fix" the hugs since my parenthesis mismatched.
We all have our moments, or periods, like this. Believe me, I know. The one thing you have to do is not sell yourself short. Some things may have been left by the way side, but didn't you just get a promotion, or a new position at your job and such? I mean that would be a lot to deal with on it's own! Don't beat yourself up over it too much, I know it's easier said than done. Do what you can and realize as things that calm down at work you may be able to pick up things then.
You're only human, not superhuman - although we all tend to want to be. The hardest thing is realizing this. ;)
Hey G. You aren't the first diabetic who has gone through this, ya know. You're readin' the comment of the Queen of giving up.
For me, it takes the responsibiity to others to be my motivation. Find what drives you to do your best and apply it, and reapply it, and reapply it again.. over and over every time you feel like giving up. And don't try to conquer all of it at once. Baby steps, G, baby steps.
You are a wonderful, great, talented, awesome person. It'll be okay. (((HUGS)))
I think it's perfectly OK to give up the non-essentials (CGM, Diabetes365, etc). You are a human BEeing, not a human DOing and you are putting so many requirements on yourself it's no wonder you are not feeling motivated on any of it. Sounds like you might benefit from a "stop doing list". Then you can feel you are accomplishing something, when you DON'T do the things on that list.
George,
Your enthusiasm continues to awe me, but...
You try so hard to do so much. Stop picking on yourself!
A very long time ago (my kids are about your age...), I learned NOT to tell them to clean their rooms - usually a disaster area. Instead, I asked them to do one thing - pick up the Matchbox cars, put the books on the shelf, whatever.
You're dealing with a new job/position/responsiblities. You have teenagers living in your house. And to add to the fun, you have diabetes. Choose one area to work on and keep enjoying your life, because... you have a wonderful life.
You continue to inspire me and I know, many others. We support you so hang in there and take it easy!
We are just like you, George. We fail, quit and lose. But we win too. And when you win we are motivated because we know that you've failed or quit or lost and were HONEST ABOUT IT! I will be praying for you tonight...God takes care of us.
Yeah dude, you CAN totally blame diabetes. It's a burnout force that we NEVER get to take a break from!
As for the motivation stuff, I'm the same way. The way I see it is that we just haven't found the right way to motivate ourselves. If we keep trying the old way it's like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. No matter how hard we try, it's not going to work! We need to attack it from a different angle. I don't know what that angle is. Yet.