It's Just Not Right
Friday, August 13, 2010 at 8:39AM "It's just not right!" I was in pain and sick of hurting.
"What's not right?" My poor wife is clueless as to what I am talking about. I thought her mind reading skills were much better than that but hopefully she will work on it. Gotta find that crystal ball.
"I swear, I should not have to hurt like this. This is BS."
My wife came into the living and sat down on the couch before she said anything else. She knows me well enough to hear a rantin' and a ravin' coming on.
Instead of opening the flood gates while she was still in the other room, she thought it best to find a front row seat to the RANT SHOW I was about to put on. She found her favorite spot on the couch, grabbed a pillow to put behind her back, ordered a martini from the waiter (she wished), and said, "What is BS?"
"This diabetes crap is total BS. I feel like I have been stung in the ass by a bee and can hardly walk because it hurts so freaking bad. I put this sensor in the other day and since then it feels like the needle is still in me. It hurts like nobody’s business but I won’t take it out because it is working great. It has matched well with my meter so I don’t want to pull it but here I am walking around saying ‘ouch! Oww!’ And ‘MY ASS HURTS!’ That is ridiculous.
“We are supposed to stab ourselves with needles, make our fingers bleed several times a day, and all in the name of good management? And to deal with ongoing pain just because some technology seems to be working this time around? It seems unfair and barbaric. It’s not in our DNA to do this and to think of little kids that have to hurt and keep infusion sets and sensors in even when they hurt just because they are working right, is not right at all.
“What is depressing is that tomorrow could be the same way. Do I try again or do give my body a break? I don’t get a break. I never get a break. None of us do so be put up with bullshit like painful technology to try and live longer. To live longer to be in more pain? Why? Does that even make sense?
"It does I know but it makes it hard to want to wake up and not know if you are going to have to hurt all day or not. It makes it hard to click your heels together every single day and not see an end. Just day after day of the same pains and aches and uncertainty and fear and failures and exhaustion. It’s almost too much to handle sometimes.
"No sometimes IT IS too much to handle.”
My wife looked at me and I could tell she was holding back some tears. Tears of not being able to take it all away or make it better. Tears of not having the words to comfort or the answers because in a way, no one really has the answer. She did give some good advice though.
“Pull it out. It’s not worth hurting anymore today.”
As soon as I ripped the thing out I felt better. I know this stuff helps me manage but no one should have to go through everyday in pain for tighter control. The amount of money lost in a sensor is worth the amount of sanity, rest, sleep, and wellness you will gain because of it.
It’s just not right but I have to believe that one day, things will get better.
They have to.
Reader Comments (12)
I think you just translated my 7 year old's declarations of, "I hate diabetes!" from time to time. Especially the nights when she's up until midnight battling a wicked low that doesn't want to budge.
George - you and your wife are so right! Sometimes you just need a break. 24/7 is just too much sometimes. That is the problem with diabetes - there are no real breaks! Thank you for just saying no to the pain - it helps me relax a little when I'm battling Alexa's "puberty" numbers and there seems no end. We just do the best we can!
I hear you George. One of the things that's rarely talked about with pumping or CGM is the psychology of having something attached to you 24/7. There's no break. One benefit to injections is that you get a break between shots.
The worst is wasting a good set or site because something just isn't right. I've been there and it's my last resort.
Keep your head up bro!
Oh George! I do not use a pump or a CGM and I think based on many of the blogs I read and the comments on Twitter from the D-OC I am glad that I don't. But I do hear you. Sometimes when I inject my insulin it hurts so f'n much. I will scream "FUCK!!!" my husband looks at me with fear and questions but is also afraid to ask - bc he knows... Some days I ant to through my needles and pen across the room. Some days I declare that I have had ENOUGH. I no longer want to be Diabetic (Like I had a choice)... I have even gone as far as not taking insulin - for days!... just to get that so called break.
Non-diabetics don't and will never understand. And I can only imagine it has a varying degree of difference for each individual diabetic as well.
Thanks for the post - I helps to know I am not the only one who wants a break from Diabetes.
Be good to yourself - and you ARE doing a good job!
K
If I could join the pity party.......pulling it out helped what? I mean you're relieved of some pain for a bit. But now you've lost a sensor, and you'll just have to reapply somewhere else.
And how long are you relieved of the pain? A couple of hours maybe?
Totally sucks. I'm with you bro.
On the upside, we don't have to use these any more: http://antiquescientifica.com/embalming_set_Favre_c._1860_large_syringe.1.jpg
We do go through a lot. Every single day if you think about it. And sometimes if you can avoid some of the little things, I say avoid them. Sorry that sensor was such a pain literally. I hope the next one isn't so much.
I think your wife gave you the best advice, or option....Just reading, "Pull it out, It's not worth hurting any more today," made me tear up, and in that situation, I would have felt better.
I think remembering every day as a another day of pain, is a little overwhelming... You can't forget the days that things have gone so smoothly... You can't forget the days that when you inserted your infusion site, and you didn't feel it because it went in so well, AND it continued to work for four days straight! You can't forget the good things that happen.
It's good to rant and rave and get all rabid sometimes though. Even Ninja's need a breather.
You have got this. Keep your chin up. :) Have a wonderful spectacular, pain free day. :)
This was a powerful post for me. We put up with a lot of crap just trying to do the right thing. It is hard, and I think sometimes we need to recognize that it is hard, rather than putting up the brave face we so often do.
I can't beleive you were thinking about moving forward with the pain becuase it was working so well. That's courage dude. I am glad your wife made you take it out though...my guess is that would have ended up badly.
I do have to say though when you said your ass hurts, I immediately went to a flash of Traning Day where Denzel got shot in the booty and how much he couldn't believe it.
Smile George and give that wife of yours a huge hug. (because she will probably give one back)
Scott said exactly what I was going to say. We do A LOT of crap to keep ourselves healthy. It sucks. It's just not right. But we do it. Yes, we do it because we have to. But that doesn't make it any less brave and courageous. Love you, you awesome Ninja you!!
Scottie echoed my thoughts on that exactly, aside from your powerful post on this, George. We all have those times. That continuing feeling is what built up and ultimately forced me to take a break from pumping for the summer, to get away from at least that pump-focused element that was causing so much headache. It was my experience sitting at the kitchen table, breaking down crying on my wife's shoulder about my inability to find a workable site, that led me to it. I've felt better for the past months, have refound my appreciation for why I went to pumping, and am so excited and re-energized to get reconnected. But breaking down was needed, as a way to cope emotionally in whatever way possible. Let it out, and do your thing, George. And know that we're all here for support no matter what.
I hate that we can't always muster up the permission and forgiveness to be kind to ourselves when it comes to diabetes, but during those moments, it's good to have someone close who has a little more perspective.