Alone in Myself
Wednesday, August 31, 2011 at 8:01AM The past few weeks have been a blur. Work is taking it’s toll on my health, my time, and my attitude.
Nothing makes me happy. I have these moments of what I think are going to be great and then something comes along and ruins it. I have been actively trying to get back into school but keep stumbling along the way.
I tried for weeks to get in to meet with my local congressman only to get a call back saying he is too busy to see me. And frankly, I don’t when I would be able to see him if he did want to meet with me. I barely have time to call.
Waking up earlier each day has given me a few minutes to read a few blogs, write a few posts, tweet a little, and get back on emails but all of it seems such a downer. I am in such a crumby mood.
Everything that comes out of me is depressing and when it’s not, it is probably not very real. Or it’s just a moment when I try my hardest to stay positive but something or someone comes along and knocks me out every time.
I have even tried writing motivating tweets and changing my Facebook status into these positive empowering statements that are 100% B.S.!
I jumped in and I want to make all these changes. That night at the edge of my pool was totally real. I get upset thinking about it because I really felt at that moment that I could accomplish so much but I feel so far away from that moment.
So alone in myself.
That is it. Alone in myself. That is a weird way to put it but it’s a good way to describe how I am feeling right now. I have lots of people around me cheering me on but I have none for myself.
Nothing is going to change unless I change something but when you don’t trust yourself what do you do? When you have no confidence in your abilities what do you do? Do you give up? Do you just take what you have and stick with it? Do you settle for where you are when where you are you dislike?
When everyone is there for you except you, what do you do?
And did I mention that my blood sugar has been dancing around 200 for days now. I even over bolused like crazy last night and still nothing.
Diabetes doesn’t help at all. And it doesn't help that I just feel like crawling under a rock somewhere and hiding until it all goes away.
FYI this post has sat here looking at me all morning because I really don't want to publish it but I must at least stay true to this place. I always put out my good, bad, and ugly regardless.
Who knows, maybe i am not the only one feeling this way.
I hope so. I would hate for anyone to feel like I do right now.
Reader Comments (12)
You aren't the only one. I'm miserable, for more than the obvious reason.
George: You are NOT alone in this feeling. I'm right there with you. And you're right: it's debilitating and crippling. But even in all of this personal crap going on, it's your words and attitude and just thinking of friends like you that help me get through. That friendship and knowing people such as yourself gets me through... if even moment to moment.
George, you've taken the first step to coming out of that hole you've crawled into, believe it or not! It must be hard knowing that you are the voice of Ninjabetic, that George and what George needs might be getting lost in it all. Don't kid yourself in that we all (or most of us) struggle, and because of that, you are wrong to say you are alone - because you are not. You might feel that way, but now you've reached out and you've just let us in. I'm in, and everyone who reads this is in, whether they comment or not. Don't be afraid to say, I'm having trouble - and you don't need to be cute (of course, you *are* cute!), but you know what I mean - you don't need to be cute, or funny ... just reach out by tweeting if you're only up for 140 characters, DMing, emailing friends (you have many, don't kid yourself!) or whatever it takes. Be creative - If it doesn't work to reach out under the ninjabetic name, create another - a NinjasNeedSupportToo profile that has no such expectations. But know this - when you need support, ask. And when you ask, and if you don't hear what you need, just ask again. That's what the DOC is all about.
oh, george, i'm so sorry you're feeling alone. and i know that you know you are not alone, but sometimes it still feels that way. that happens to me too. i wish we could all hang out in person and give you real hugs rather than virtual ones.
hang in there. this too shall pass. that's what my grandma used to say. it probably feels like you'll be stuck feeling this way forever, but that is a lie. this too shall pass.
know that i am praying for you, and let me know if you need anything.
and do me a favor- go look up zephaniah 3:17 and read it like 10 times. that one helps me a lot.
This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.
A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'
<3
Thank you all for commenting on this. I really did not want to post it but I knew I had to.
I know that all of you are there for me whenever I need you. I hope you all know I want to be there for you too. The problem is me, not being there for myself!
My level of self confidence is practically nonexistent these days.
Dear George,
Please don't tackle everything at once. Pick just one thing you want to improve and work on just that.
As a teacher, a long while ago, I had students who freaked when handed a whole sheet of math problems. So I cut up the sheet - into rows. So, try just one row at a time.
Hugs...
Sometimes I get into those funks too. I notice is mostly happens if I have been letting my blood sugars float a little higher. Try making a to do list and trying one goal at a time. It is easy to feel crazed with so much on your plate. Just breath and try one step at a time.
I never like telling people "I know how you feel", but what you've written here resonates deeply with me.
When I'm doing poorly, I feel really isolated even though many people care about me. I don't have any self-confidence, because (as I see it through depression goggles) I screw everything up. I can't ask for help, because I cannot bear the idea of increasing the burden of others.
What has sometimes helped the self-confidence in that kind of situation is to do what is really truly within my present ability. Not the stuff that I think OUGHT to be up to, but those things that I AM up to. Like looking up the phone number for a scary call. Or testing my BG once. Or count out my pills. Or spend ten minutes tidying up a bit.
I sure hope you find what helps you really soon, friend.
George. My friend. I so admire your ability to write exactly how you feel, to show the truth and be so vulnerable. The last time I felt as lonely as you feel right now was when I was living in Virginia last year. I've never spent so much time alone, so much time without seeing a face I could really talk to. But I didn't have the ability and courage to say it out loud for several months.
I hope that simply saying it, writing it down, and sharing it with us is at least a little bit helpful. One of the most helpful things one friend said to me many years ago was that everything is temporary. When we're up and loving life, it doesn't last forever. When we're down and feeling miserable and lonely, it doesn't last forever.
I am thinking of you! And I admire your courage.
-Ginger
Well thats the way it is. Is is necessary to handle things quite patiently, I guess the proper diet and the proper exercise would surely help. Try having some delicious dessert to get out of it with Natural sweetener (Natvia ) It did work for me.
George, I think I know what you're going through as much as it's possible to be in someone else' shoes. I hope your spirits are lifted before long. When I was like this I found watching comedy helped me laugh and that was a small lift. Reruns of Frasier, Daily Show, that kind of thing. God bless you and raise you up,