D-Blog Week Day 3: One Thing To Improve
Wednesday, May 16, 2012 at 8:13AM Yesterday we gave ourselves and our loved ones a big pat on the back for one thing we are great at. Today let’s look at the flip-side. We probably all have one thing we could try to do better. Why not make today the day we start working on it. No judgments, no scolding, just sharing one small thing we can improve so the DOC can cheer us on!
My outlook.
I try to be so positive about diabetes for others and every once and a while I seem to be positive about my own d-life but it never lasts.
Sometimes it seems my life is just spent waiting around for diabetes to take it away or ruin it. Why would I ever let that happen? So many good things have changed in my life in direct opposition to diabetes and yet so much more has not. And I feel powerless.
This is one of those things that I know the answer to. I know what I should be saying, doing, thinking. But I try and it never sticks. I say to myself, "I know I am going to grow old and see my grandkids some day," but inside I don't believe it.
Honestly.
Maybe something will change and make me feel as though I have the upper hand. Maybe there is a corner I will turn that will change things. Who knows?
Is it so bad to believe you are not going to be around long? That may be the reason I want to spend so much time helping people and loving my family and friends.
This became much darker than I expected and for that I apologize.
Reader Comments (11)
Don't apologize for this becoming a little dark. Diabetes can take us to dark places. It can be paralyzingly terrifying at times. You are strong, and you are a stronger person for being able to admit that you are afraid sometimes.
*GIANT MASSIVE HUGGINGS*
i'm with hannah. never apologize for being dark. darkness lives inside all of us, and it's something we all have to deal with.
i would say that this is something most people living with a chronic illness struggle with. i know i do. my strategy tends to be to not think that far into the future.
it's ok to be scared. this disease is scary. but i know you, and i know you are determined to live your live to the fullest. rock on, my friend. <3
I don't think there is a need to apologize, either. I appreciate your honesty. I hope that somehow you'll do what you want more often. I know what it's like...and I know that no one understands what it's like unless they've lived it. It's incredibly frustrating and one feels like the clock is ticking and there is pressure to hurry up and figure it all out before it's too late and yet day to day living with diabetes hardly lets us come up for air.
Something that worked for me was to pretend that I was really positive and optimistic and goofy happy. It strangely began to infect me with the real thing. Seriously weird but it really helped. Of course there is no quick fix for anything in life but I believe it does all start with our attitude. If only it wasn't so hard to manage alongside D :(
Thanks for being brave and posting this. I hope you enjoyed the chocolate I sent you a while back :)
We all get there at times George. I feel that posts like this one help to make diabetes easier to take because it shows that others are feeling what we feel. If we only showed the smiling faces in our blogs then they wouldn't be honest. Honesty can be so difficult sometimes. Thanks for your honesty.
I'm surprised, though I shouldn't be, that so many of today's posts that I've read so far touch on this same subject (including mine). We are not alone.
At the danger of being too touchy-feely - you aren't your dad.
In the past six years I've known you, I have seen you take giant steps to improve your health. You stopped smoking, you got a CGM, you did a freaking bike ride that I would not even dream of attempting.
I have no idea if you are going to get hit by a car or struck by lightening tomorrow but I can tell you that diabetes is not going to stop you from living the life you want.
Nope, I don't think diabetes will stop you. You're a strong young man who works very hard at life and at diabetes.
Just reading your posts some weeks exhausts me. Singing, church stuff, b'ball with your son, out with your daughter and wife, raising money for a cure... the list is endless.
Your enthusiasm for life is contagious!
i'm glad you pressed 'publish' on this one. diabetes can be dark shit man, i'm grateful for your honesty. for some reason, your post made me think of this lyric, one of my faves:
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
No reason to apologize, George. Sometimes D makes us feel that way. I get that way more often than not, and even as I try to convince myself all is OK and I've got a long future in store, it's not what I really feel deep down. And sometimes just wearing that mask of positivity can be even more exhausting and help push the cycle of self-doubt and uncertainty along. I've found that talking about my fears and worries, just as you've done here, is what helps me the most. Keeping them bottled up has done me more harm than good. I keep a written journal, too, that I don't share but use as a self-venting tool and way to cope with what I'm feeling and then analyze and mull at a later time. You are an inspiration, George, but don't think that means you have to be positive all the time. D isn't all roses and unicorns, and sometimes the bacon just isn't worth eating. Best your way, my friend.
My heart hurts reading this. You can't do better than your best, George. Try your best, and God will make up the rest. I have to believe that...it's what gets me through.
Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this. That alone says a lot about where you are.
I feel the same way, George. And, even though I've had a couple of certifiable miracles in my life, it now seems as if there are more reasons than ever that I could drop dead in an instant. Mind boggling. Consuming. Piss offing.
But now I've grown to believe that a rational, optimistic mindset can be nurtured and cultivated. Sure it takes work, but what things of value don't?
Bob Dylan could have been singing this to the D~~~~~"Now I'm not saying you treated me unkind. You could of done better, but I don't mind. You just sort of wasted my precious time. So don't think twice, it's allright" There is a street musician downtown who will play this for me so I can sing harmony. It seems like he gets more quarters in this case when I'm there.......LOL.
Gotta go play some 70's music now.